And Then... Then She Exploded!... TWICE!!!
Part One - Not again, please...
“WHAT!? My wings? They... they tore apart my wings!?” Rainbow Dash stepped back in horror and rage. “This is sick! I... I can’t believe they really....” The pegasus raised her face from the scroll and tilted her head, meeting Twilight’s eyes. “Twi! Why do they keep doing this to me? Am I not cool enough? Why do they hate me?”
The purple unicorn couldn't help but lower her eyes and mutter something in an embarrassed voice. “I... I don’t know. Rainbow you seem to draw their attention in strange ways. I mean, I don’t think that it’s completely bad. I read almost every story and.... well... you don’t...”
“I get married to everypony here, Twilight!” Rainbow exclaimed. “They are a bunch of sick ponies I tell you! But I can live with it, because I know that it’s not true!” The pegasus struck a determined pose, refusing to let what she just read get her down.
Twilight raised her head “Not true? Um... weren’t you and AJ...”
Dash raised an eyebrow “No, please, not you too, Twilight? What’s going on with everypony? It’s me! Rainbow Dash! The coolest pony ever! And I am not admitting that I like fillies!”
Twilight couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow. “A-Admitting? You mean...”
“That’s not the point!” The pegasus interrupted “the point is that ponies here use me as their personal bucking ball! Hey, in this story somepony needs to die... ‘let’s kill Dashie!’ Hey, these cupcakes need some spice... ‘taste the rainbow!’ Um, then they battered Rainbow Dash to a pulp and she was never ever able to fly again... I was even sent into another dimension by somepony!”
Twilight raised a hoof and tried to say something. “But you’re also...”
“I’m also tired to death of reading that I brainlessly rush into things!” Rainbow interrupted. “I’m smart, smarter than the average pony, right?”
The unicorn hesitated a second too long before opening her mouth, causing Rainbow to stare at her friend in disbelief.
“I... I’m not stupid! And I’m not a bucking ball or a dessert ingredient and... and I never confessed to AJ!” Rainbow paused, a new light appearing in her pink eyes. “And I’ll show you! I’m gonna write the best Dashie fan fiction EVER! You’ll see! Everypony will see!”
Dash dashed out of the window leaving a very puzzled Twilight Sparkle behind.
The purple unicorn looked outside for a moment, following the rainbow trail. “‘Confessed to AJ’?”
Part Two: A little help, please?
“So, Pinkie, what do you think?”
The pink pony frowned at the sheaf of papers then glanced up at her friend. “It’s okay, Rainbow Dash... but you know what it needs?”
The pegasus forced a grin, somehow knowing that whatever Pinkie was about to say, she wouldn’t like it. “Ah, no. What?”
“A party! With lots of ponies and games and oh so much fun! And then everyone would sing and dance and it’d be the best story ever!” Pinkie was so enthralled with her vision that she was bouncing around Dash as she spoke.
Dash nodded, slowly backing towards the door. “Yeah... that’s right... that’d... that’d be the best thing ever, wouldn’t it? I’ll, uh, go make those revisions now...” Desperately, she scooped up the pages and took to the skies, leaving a cheerily smiling Pinkie behind her.
“What the hay, she didn’t even praise the part with the fire-spitting hydra ponynapping her! And I was so proud of that! Oh well, maybe a ‘welcome back saviour of Equestria’ party could work...”
Twilight looked down at the stack of paper and scratched her cheek with a hoof. “Oh, no no no no. This will never do.”
“What d’you mean?” Rainbow Dash said, trying to peek over her shoulder.
“Look,” she said, jabbing a hoof at a few of the lines. “This isn’t a paragraph, it’s a group of sentence fragments strung together. You’re switching between tenses from sentence to sentence, and sometimes in sentences. Your grammar is atrocious, and you have to work on your spelling. Did you even edit this, or did you just scribble down everything that went through your head as you went?”
Dash just stared, her jaw dropping down as far as it could go. “You... you just... did you even read it?”
“Of course I read it! How else do you think I found all those errors? Here,” Twilight spoke, handing the story back to her friend. “I think you need to go back and fix it, then bring it to me again.”
Rainbow Dash nodded dumbly as she flew off, clutching her hooves around the pages. “See if I keep you as the squire to the brave Dame Dash!” she thought angrily.
“Oh, Rainbow Dash, do come in,” Rarity said, nervously glancing over her shoulder. “No, no, Sweetie Belle, please put that back, that fabric is very expensive and it’d take weeks to get some more! Oh, I’m so sorry Rainbow Dash, what can I help you with?”
“Er... if this is a bad time, I can always come back.”
“It’s quite all right,” the unicorn replied, pasting a fake smile on her muzzle. It cracked slightly around the edges when something made a loud crash in the background. “On... second thought, if you wouldn’t mind returning sometime this afternoon...?”
“Well... okay. I’ll be back around two.”
Rarity gave her friend a genuine smile this time. “That would be fantastic, dear.” Her words were punctuated by a thud and something heavy rolling along the floor. Behind her back, Rainbow Dash could see several bolts of cloth bouncing down the stairs, merrily unrolling themselves as they went.
Without turning around, though the unicorn’s eye did twitch a bit, she continued. “Perhaps it would be better if you showed up around four.”
Rainbow Dash nodded and lifted into the air. Perhaps it was for the best - this way she had more time to fine-tune her work into the most exquisite prose ever put to scroll before Rarity saw it.
Applejack gave the paper in front of her a long, slow look. “What in tarnation...? Rainbow Dash, jus’ what d’you think yer writin’ here? Ah’m ponynapped on almost every page y’write!”
“Well, duh, somepony has to be the damsel in dist-” She clapped her hooves over her mouth, far too late.
The earth pony suddenly seemed to grow larger. “Ah’m the one pony who needs rescuin’? What the hay, Dash? Y’ ought t’ know Ah c’n take anypony in a fight an’ Ah’ll prove it if Ah gotta!” She stamped her hooves to punctuate her words, knocking the story to the ground. Yelping, the pegasus made a dive to catch them.
“Okay, okay, I’ll change it... gee, cool down, Jackie,” she muttered, scooping them into a rough pile and flapping away sullenly. So far, no one seemed to realize just how cool her story was.
Fluttershy, though, she’d get how awesome it was.
“It’s uhm... nice...” Fluttershy whispered, looking away. Dash followed her eyes trying to catch her expression.
"What's wrong?"
"Uhm... nothing is wrong I... like it, really..."
"Tell me..."
The yellow pegasus stepped back, closing her eyes. "Eeeep!"
"Tell me tell me tell me tell me!" Dash stomped her hooves on the ground and something in the animal-loving pegasus just snapped. She raised on her hooves.
“All right, since you really want to know...” she took a long breath. “You put a fire-spitting hydra in a swamp, they live only inside volcanic craters, then you used a vorpal horseshoe of returning but that's Luna's favoured weapon, not Celestia's, and then you cast mass resurrect planet but you were wearing dragon full plate barding, you can't cast anything with that on you and you subdued a wyvern with an arm lock, but wyverns have no arms!” At this point she paused lowering again her eyes and added. “But... you know... uhm... whatever you want to write is fine.”
Rainbow stared at the friend in disbelief... where did she learn all that? Slowly she nodded, trying to find where her brain went to hide. "I... yes I think I... could stick a bit more to the... rules?"
Trying not to turn her flank on Fluttershy she scooped the papers and slowly, veeery slowly, walked out of the cottage.
As soon as she was out, she fled to her house in the clouds, locked every door and window and hid under the bed.
Part Three - Stop helping me, please!
“Okay, so Baroness Elle von Uberstrang has her captive Jackie Appelle tied to the train tracks, waiting for the next one to squash her flat! And... and... Jackie’s tied up with the rare and dangerous vinerope snakes! With... poison scales!”
Twilight raised an eyebrow. “If they’re poisonous, how can Jackie be tied up by them?”
“You’re missing the point! And just as the next rocket train is about to squash her flat, Dashie zooms in, leaving behind a stream of... of... of rainbow fire from how fast she’s going, grabs Jackie, and hauls her to safety!”
“What about those ‘dangerous vine snakes’?”
Dash waved a hoof. “Rainbow Dash is so fast she whisked Jackie to safety before she could get touched, she’s just that good!”
“Yeeeees...” nodded an uncertain Twilight. She then skipped to the last page, terrorized at what she could find there. She kept reading in silence.
“Mh-mh...” An eyebrow raised. “Dashie...”
“Yeah I know, I’m great.... those bronies will see some real stuff, this time!”
“And then... then she exploded... TWICE!?”
“Uh-huh” The pegasus nodded “It’s when you explode, then you explode again... everypony knows that.”
“Dash, at the end of the story you die! You just... killed yourself in a story you made to make them stop killing you! I... I don’t see the point...”
“Well you know...” Rainbow Dash looked away, a faint blush in her cheeks. “It just seemed... well... about 20% cooler.”
Note: this story is a collaboration, it was written at 4 hooves by Cogs and Mimezinga and edited by nukeiffum.
Note 2: no Rainbow Dash was hurt while writing this fic.
Note 3: if you enjoyed the show, please take a moment to visit our sponsor: CUPCAKES! TASTE THE RAINBOW!